Dr. Wilner says, “The day you put the tampax away is the day to do the breast exam.�

Dr. Wilner is the doctor who is responsible for teaching me how to do breast exams pre diagnosis.

Today it’s almost a year since I finished chemo and almost a year and a half since my diagnosis and thankfully no sign of cancer! These are dates that are important to me now. But I don’t mind. I don’t think I have really minded any of this. I can’t be completely certain though – I don’t remember all the details of how I have felt and I have yet to read this blog. Michelle said she is going to copy and paste the blog for me so I can read it one day.

5 days after I finished I walked a 5 mile walk in San Francisco. A few weeks later I had a re-excision/breast reduction and thankfully my PATH report was clear. Since then I have traveled to France, completed radiation (while working full time and working out everyday) and then traveled to India, back to France, and Bald Head Island, NC. I must say my energy level is better than before the diagnosis and I feel great. My hair is below my eyes and ears and sometimes it looks cute. Other times it doesn’t but I can’t complain, it’s nice to have it back even though I have never had short hair before. I think it’s important and healthy to complain about unimportant things. Especially after one has spent so much time thinking and dealing with important things.

This week I have an MRI and while I am hopeful that everything is fine I am always anxious as I await any type of results. I guess this is normal.

Today my friend Sarah (we went to high school together and are the same age) is having a mastectomy. I have been sending her as much positive energy as possible and I know she will be ok. I hung out with Sarah a while ago and we went to Borders and I bought her Geralyn’s book.

I try hard to think about everything I went through and am going through. I often wonder why it is that I feel so ok. But the truth is I am not depressed and while I wouldn’t choose to go through it again, it hasn’t been the worst experience by any means. Maybe I just got lucky with the support of my parents, husband, family and friends. In any case, in my experience, life doesn’t end with a diagnosis.

I remember when I first read Geralyn’s book, I remember she spoke about how she felt guilty. She didn’t know why she had survived and others hadn’t. I remember a sense of fear came over me when I read that. I also remember telling Geralyn that in other words when we spoke on the phone. Since I was diagnosed, I know of four people who have been diagnosed with Cancer and died. I now feel the guilt of survival, fear that it will not last and happiness that I am here now that Geralyn was referring too. Every once and while I think about it and then it goes away and I realize that life is good and I might as well enjoy it now.

I always go back to the time when I realized - sometimes you want to know something so badly and then once you find it out - you wish you had five more minutes of not knowing. For me, this gives me peace of mind.

I have really enjoyed keeping this blog and I hope one day that someone else will do the same so I can learn about their experiences. And with that I conclude this blog….

Thank you Geralyn! xoxo

Thanks for the flowers Matt and Heather. They are so beautiful. I am not quite sure what I am celebrating but I am definitely ready to celebrate– I think the anticlimactic part about all of this is that I don’t feel sick anyways. But of course I am so happy I know longer have to base by schedule around doing chemo every other week.

Best card was from Tim – which came with the gift of a most beautiful Scarf. “What we have in common, we are both loosing our hair, what we don’t – yours will grow back� Tim always knows how to make someone feel better. When I first got diagnosed he was in Mexico and he did what “any other person would do when learning a friend of theirs had cancer� – he got me a maraca and an accordion. Only a creative mind like Tim would think of such a gift! Where in the world is Tim?

To do list:
Thank you notes
Open enrollment – insurance
Fred paperwork
Prepare for surgery/radiation
Get all holiday presents
Take care of bills for Dec
Inform bank will be out of country
Make sure passport hasn’t expired
Send belated birthday presents
Clean room
Learn how to iron
Learn French
Exercise exercise exercise
Wind down blog
Learn how to say no – very impt in creating a new less stressful environment for myself
Prepare for life not on chemo – hence – “Actually follow this list”

Congrats on your Oct 15 Marriage Zoe!

Tomorrow is my last treatment and Wed is my last painful neulasta shot (painful because of the after effects where it makes my bones hurt for a few days). Of course I am happy even though I know it will be a few days until I feel normal again and then I can begin my eating, exercise habits and my quest to get healthy. I hear that it will take 4-months to a year until I feel like the chemicals are totally out of my body. I also hear I need to eat half the calories that I used to because my metabolism will never be the same again. I still have a small surgery in November and radiation coming up in January but neither of those will make me feel or look sick – so yes I am relieved. While I am ready to move forward and not look back part of me knows there is some part of this that I don’t want to forget – I am not sure what that is but that is ok. Of course I fear doing this again but at the same time I want to remember that the whole chemo experience really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and if I have to go through it again (which I really don’t think I will) it wouldn’t be the end of the world, especially since doing chemo is at least better than having cancer. I guess my worse fear is living in fear and knowing that chemo was at least tolerable eliminates that fear. Thanks to Dr. R., I think I knew all along and know now that my life isn’t and wasn’t going to end in this entire process. But even more thanks to the Impact program for making it possible for my life to coexist during this chemo process. While I felt I was taking a step backwards with my health with the chemo, the Impact program (exercising etc…) made me feel like I was taking a step forward.

Part of my motivation to keep this blog was my mom’s friend Vallerie (sp?). Vallerie told my mom that reading my blog eliminated fears that she had her entire life. That really made me feel good about writing especially since I never even had those fears – and I was helping people who did – well that’s a really good thing!

To all my friends, friends mom’s (who are my friends) and anyone else around here in Marin who reads this blog, I hope to see you on Thursday at Courage night (see last blog entry).

Next Tuesday I am done with 4 months of chemo! Next Thursday I am going to be at Courage Night in San Rafael at the Borders bookstore (see below). I know based on my previous experiences that I will feel tired next Thursday (Oct 20, 7-830pm) due to the chemo but seeing people will definitely give me energy. Please join me at courage night - see the invitation below (if you don’t live in Marin please check out www.whyiworelipstick.com to see if their is a courage night in your area):

Young Women United Against Breast Cancer
COURAGE NIGHT
WHAT: Special Event at local bookstores across the country to raise awareness of breast cancer in young women- a percentage of the evening’s sales will be donated to YSC.

WHO: Breast cancer survivors, friends and supporters.

WHERE: Borders Bookstore

California

Borders Books & Music

588 Francisco Blvd., West

San Rafael, CA 94901

(415) 454-1400

WHEN: Thursday, October 20, 2005

7:00 – 8:30 p.m.

WHY: To celebrate National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, Paperback Book Launch of Why I Wore Lipstick…To My Mastectomy by Geralyn Lucas from St. Martin’s Press and to raise awareness of the Young Survival Coalition (YSC), www.youngsurvival.org , the only international non-profit dedicated to the critical concerns and issues unique to young women and breast cancer.

COST: Free! To request more information, contact the Young Survival Coalition at 212-206-6610.

52A Carmine Street • Box 528• New York NY 10014 •(212) 206-6610 • www.youngsurvival.org

Whenever I paint (not that I paint much anymore) I always begin with the eyebrows. Eyebrows make all the difference in how person looks. I guess that is why I am going through a slight shock as I realize my eyebrows are almost gone. The good news is, they supposedly grow back fast.

I have the nicest husband in the whole world. He works so hard all the time, he understands (but isn’t exactly overjoyed) that when I feel good I like to be out and about rather than cleaning up after myself or writing long overdue wedding thank you notes. Tonight, when I told him I didn’t feel well, he came home early – so nice –especially since it is a very busy season at work and he barely is able to do anything but work.

I am looking forward to going to the gym in the morning – I always feel better after I meet with Regan.

It’s two days after my second to last treatment and while I feel pretty good all I can think of is the incredibly gross taste in my mouth. I am definitely looking forward to never knowing what this feels like again. Just two more weeks! I remember at my wedding Dr. R and my Uncle Dave (both cancer/chemo survivors) were discussing the concept that part of their chemo experiences were somehow exciting. I am not quite sure I relate that concept at this point in time but maybe one day I will understand.

Now that I am nearing the end of my chemo perhaps my cousin Tessa and I can start writing the first chapter of our book which is long overdue. We were supposed to have the first chapter completed by the end of last summer but that never happened. I don’t think it will happen for a while though because Tessa is in the middle of completing college applications and finishing her senior year of high school. I am looking forward to when the time is right because when it comes to thinking Tessa and I think a lot a like.

Good news – my cousin Emmie is going to either major or double major in French which means perhaps one day she will live in France too!

Recent thought – my mom read an article to me about how those who are “depressed� don’t feed into the cancer and those who are “happy� don’t make it go away. The idea being denial is not the place to be. I am really not depressed but I hope that I am not subconsciously in denial-especially since statistics show that younger people have a harder time psychologically after surviving cancer. I don’t think I am going to but I am going to keep an eye on that.

Happy Belated Birthday Elizabeth and Andrea!

One of my oldest and closest friends, Emily Rome Mudd– who is also a very talented actress, is starring in another play – but sadly I am unable to see it since I am in California. If you are in NYC I highly recommend you go check it out! (see info below)

You are cordially invited to the revival of
John Guare’s
Cop-Out
&
The Talking Dog
at
Gene Frankel Theater

October 6th to October 16th
Thu, Fri & Sat at 8pm,Sun at 3pm

Save 20% on the ticket price by calling SMARTTIX at
(212) 868 4444
or online at

Enter code: copdog
Tickets $12 with Discount!

Complimentary wine will be served prior to the performance

Directed by Ronit Muszkatblit

Starring:
Monica Arazi Kevin T. Collins
Kevin Dwyer John Kelly
Emily Rome Mudd

Set Design by Shawn Fisher
Lighting Design by Oscar Mendoza
Costume Design by Aaron P. Mastin
Sound Design by Udi Pladott

OCTOBER 6-16, 2005
THURS, FRI & SAT AT 8PM
SUN AT 3PM
at
GENE FRANKEL THEATRE
24 BOND STREET
BETWEEN LAFAYETTE AND BOWERY

Cop-Out
A hysterical and intense farce about love and war.

While a straight-arrow policeman falls in love with a war protester at a demonstration, his alter-ego–a hard-boiled private eye straight out of 50’s-era film noir–wades through femme fatales, dead presidents, and Marilyn Monroe trying to solve his biggest case ever. Two actors portray over ten characters in this fast-paced, high-energy satire of wartime politics and classic movies, which first premiered on Broadway at the height of the Vietnam War but feels as relevant as ever in our current political environment.
The Talking Dog
Adapted from Chekhov’s A Joke, explores the highs and lows of a relationship.

When a man and a woman take a literal leap of faith together on a hang-gliding trip, adrenaline soars. The woman hears the man shout -I love you in midair, adding to her thrill. Back on the ground, the words don’t come out anymore. Seeking the excitement of the original jump, with her longing to hear the words again, they repeat the adventure again and again. The Talking Dog ponders what is routine and what gets a rush. It takes a look at love through its flight and eventual fall to Earth.

Playwright John Guare’s first Broadway show was Cop Out which opened in April 1969. He is best known for his play The House of Blue Leaves for which he won the both an Obie and the New York Drama Critics Circle Award for the Best American Play of 1970 and received four Tony® Awards during its 1986 revival and Six Degrees of Separation which received the New York Drama Critics Circle Award in 1990 and an Olivier Best Play Award in 1993. Other plays and musicals penned by Guare include Muzeeka (1968), Two Gentlemen of Verona (Tony® Award for Best Book of a Musical, revived this summer by NYSF), Sophisticated Ladies, Four Baboons Adoring the Sun, Kiss Me Kate (1999 revival), Sweet Smell of Success, and Madagascar (part of MCC’s Escape: 6 Ways to Get Away at Circle in the Square). ?Recent honors include the Gold Metal in Drama by The American Academy of Arts & Letters (2004) and a 2005 Obie Award for Sustained Excellence in Theater.

The show will open at the Gene Frankel Theatre–The perfect home for this production, with its history of socially conscious, politically active theater, especially plays written during the late-60’s era of COP-OUT. With current playwrights struggling to find a way to comment effectively on the volatile political climate, it makes sense to look back to one of the masters and stage his time-tested tale where it will feel right at home.

It’s interesting, as I near the end of my two week treatment (now that I am only on taxol) I find myself recognizing myself again. My attitude, energy and thought process seems to come back in ways that I haven’t seen or even been aware that I haven’t experienced since April 19 – pre-diagnosis. And, it’s really nice. What does this mean? It truly means that the effects of chemo are temporary. It’s interesting though, I know longer care about the same things that I did before, not in a negative way just in a more carefree way. I can already tell that I am no longer going to have a physiological reaction or stress attack if I miss a plane, am late or not able to deliver to the expectation that I normally would. My friend Sasha always says that my personal brand is that “I deliver� in terms of anything really – but he was specifically referring to graduate school and consulting projects. I still will deliver, and I still do have the expectations and luckily I am capable of being aware of the expectations but I don’t see myself feeling that the meeting the expectation is always priority.

If you know me well you know that this is huge and lucky for me I have realized just before beginning my career. Giselle and Trinlay probably would agree that this may have been what I was supposed to learn from this whole experience and now, I can help others see this too.

Happy Birthday Stephanie!!!

It’s been nice to feel good and be out and about. I have been working out at the gym, babysitting, getting massages (generously given to me by the Marin Breast Care Council). I no longer feel nauseas ever and the only side effect I have is that my joints hurt for 3-5 days after treatment. I do find myself a bit anxious the day before I have to go back though. I am looking forward to going to Santa Cruz when I am done with this and seeing Simone’s and family’s new house. I am looking forward to feeling good all the time and being “surprised� if and when I get sick (if that makes sense). I am looking forward to seeing what my hair looks like in all the stages when it grows back since I haven’t had short hair since I was five. I am looking forward to thanksgiving with all of my family and to spending the winter in France with Fred’s family. I am also looking forward to working out all the time and eating healthy. While I am looking forward I am happily enjoying the present. I am however, not looking forward to the medical bills.

A few interesting facts:

-“Eating a diet rich in beans, nuts and cereals could help to prevent cancer because the foods contain a natural compound that inhibits the growth of tumors.�

-toxic plastics apparently are linked to breast cancer

Happy Birthday Lloyd!

Yesterday went much smoother than I expected. I don’t know if it was the high dose of ant-anxiety medicine and benadryl that made me pass out or the guided imagery and breathing that I had been working on all week that helped me get through the day? But I am feeling not so bad considering, I have no desire to vomit, which is great.

Let’s see what book am I about to begin: By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho. Giselle recommended it to me. I may not begin it for a while though.

Sympathy smiles, enlightenment, random acts of kindness, stainless steel water bottles, all thoughts that race through my mind as I try to “relax� during my restorative yoga. I guess it could be worse, I could be feeling anxious about going back tomorrow to do you know what. Well…the truth is it doesn’t make me sick to say it anymore. Tomorrow, I am getting chemo. Four weeks left! I couldn’t be happier. And, I will be happier when my hair starts to grow back, I heal from my next minor surgery and then I complete radiation at the end of February. Then I will be done. All that will be left will be my follow up apts. I am really looking forward to being back in France in December! Of course now I am looking for warm hats to keep my head warm. It’s a whole new look trying to be stylish in France with barely any hair. I am guessing by then I will have a little.

Happy Belated Birthday Mindy! I wish I could be in NYC with you!

If anyone else is in NYC, go see the play A Woman of Will.

I hear it is amazing!